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“WHY ME?”

Dear Home Helpers,

My mother has a disabling and progressive disease and she can not be left alone.  I have had to take time off work to take care of her needs and now have the added responsibility of taking care of her house, errands and all aspects of her care.  I am about to lose my job and emotionally I am at the breaking point.

I have two sisters who live in town and they do come to visit her once every two weeks but do not offer to help my mom in any way.  They know everything that I am doing for her and I am resentful that they consider me the “chosen one” to take care of all Mom’s needs.  What can I do?   

                                                                                                Mary

Dear Mary,

You are not alone. We find that this occurs in so many families where there is one sibling who ends up doing all the caregiving for an aging or ill parent.  Often this creates so much stress and resentment between the siblings that grudges are often held for many years.  The following is advice and helpful tips from Dr. Frank De Graaf, Psychotherapist specializing in individual, marital and family counseling.  

Dr. De Graaf says “Many children are now parenting for a second time. The sibling that usually steps up to the plate is the sensitive one, the “giver” and the “peacemaker” within the family,the one with the “good kid” label.

For any number of reasons they end up taking care of their parents and even with all their brothers and sisters, they usually end up doing it by themselves.  This can lead up to a lot of hurt feelings, anger, feeling used, etc.

Here are a few tips for the sibling who is the main caregiver:

• If you are the passive type you must ask for help.  Never assume your siblings know you need help or should automatically volunteer their services.  You have the right to ask for help!
• If you have asked and they still won’t help, then take a more tough love approach. Sit down and form a set schedule for yourself and for them to make it fair.
• Julie Bracewell , Owner of Home Helpers adds “ By writing a schedule of duties it visually sets your needs in front of your siblings and it clearly defines what needs to be done and who is going to do it. Often they simply think “out of sight out of mind” and by listing all the duties and making a schedule it brings it more to reality.  Try a positive approach such as “Joe, you are so good fixing things around the house and mom always appreciates you.  I would like to put you in charge of …”
• Don’t feel guilty for getting some of your needs met.  Whether it is family time or time alone, you need to refresh your battery.  Lastly, seek out others and talk through your frustrations and your accomplishments to friends or in a support group. Talking is very therapeutic and can help lift even the most burdened spirits.

Bracewell says “ Home Helpers offers a free support group for family caregivers where you can post your concerns, ideas and situations online or go to our casual monthly meetings to meet others who are going through the same thing.  The support group is called The St. Louis Elder Care Meetup Group and can be found at http://eldercare.meetup.net.  To find out more information, call Home Helpers at 636-391-0000.